Glitter is my crack give away

This blog is amazing and she makes wonderful jewlery <3
she is having a great give away and of course im trying to win, so go visit her beauty blog!

http://themoonmaiden-blix.blogspot.com/2011/07/morgana-cryptoria-makeup-and-moon.html#more

-Lisa

Christmas Cheer, I lack thee...

9pm. Here I sit, in the same mood I have been all day. Morose, depressed, lonely.

I love Christmas, really I do... when i get to participate in it that is. This year I sit, as i have perhaps for the last two or three years. Alone. looking at a screen. Not participating in family closeness or cheer, not in loving embrace under any mistletoe nor telling stories of Christmas's' past.

I drive by all the pretty lights, not taking any joy in their twinkling glow because I envy the family that celebrates in such an open way as I used to. I. Am. Alone.

I partake in some spiked coffee and drag off my cheery joyful nicotine. And i lament.
Normally this feeling is quelled by a Christmas get together with family after the fact of the actual day. But this year we convene at McD's, wretched bastardization of what I look forward to ever year. I will sit, and smile and die inside as the only Christmas tradition i have any longer is pissed away under the golden arches.

I tried to not care. Honestly i did. Normally my Christmas was getting together with my (now ex) husbands family. I would help with dinner, bake something, give gifts, feel whole. That of course left with the marriage. No one wants to spend Christmas with me.
My son spends it with his father, fortunately not knowing my solitary depressing night lacking decoration or Santa's. They also have the large family gatherings i used to know.
Perhaps I am astrologically prone to depression without celebration around this time of year, cancer... home body... motherly.

I did what i could, i crafted a Christmas tree for my boyfriends apartment out of coke cans, I'm sure he thought it was a joking, funny stab at Christmas, when it was in reality a desperate plea to celebrate some type of Christmas cheer with someone i love.
I understand 3 months does not denote a family Christmas in a relationship, by no fault of his own am i heartbroken we are apart tonight. I posses a selfish wish I had been invited to share in his family Christmas, like a junkie perhaps begging for a hit of momentary happiness. Alas I detox alone on the couch with my TV, avoiding all Christmas movies like the plague as not to be that lonely 30 year old without a family to celebrate with, crying and watching fictional festive cheer I wish i could posses like some unreachable fairytale.

And so I sit. Alone. and so it shall forever be, the loneliest night this year.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Welcome to Dec. 2009

Haha im at school right now, and figured id post, sitting with Dave, Paige and Chris! didn't even remember I had a blog!

Tims doing the tags again, Im still working for buns plus a crafting class... 3rd semester of highschool (even though I graduated last June ;) ) just signed up for Media, DRAMA and comm tech. should be a fun semester!

Elden is growing like a weed, including his little brain, which can now read, write and talk back to mommy!

Have met a bunch of awsome people this year and made some friends I hope to keep for life. Dave, Nick, Maura, Paige, Maxim, Chris, Sean, James (yeah shut yup the lot of you, he's still important to me) Tammy, Mike... there are so many! and a bunch of cool people who just make school so damn fun, i never wanna leave, but ill eventually have to start my life... still debating on an art career or teaching, give me your thoughts if you have any!

cya m'loves and don't forget to smile!
-L

Haven't Been Here in Awhile...

Hmm I haven't posted here in a really long time...

Things that happened since my last post?

1. Divorced
2. Graduating high school
3. Seeing a really great guy.
4. Happy
5. Broke

Recent creative outlets? Making random cute things for really great guy. Photography and sketching stuff at random on random things...

Elden's doing OK too... still have behavioral issues but we're working on them.

Merry Christmas all :)

Week Recap

This week was pretty big, I started School! First time in 13 years that I've been in a classroom. Really not as bad as I thought it would be, seeing as most of the students are almost my age. I'm taking college level english. So If my writing becomes any better, you know why! I'm also taking communications & game design and Art.

So my subsidy is safe. We're both going to school. Life is good!

Someone told me at work, good things come in threes, So im thinking I got all the classes I wanted (one) I got a call for a job I really wanted, but just couldnt take (2) and I won a prize on Nic Howards blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (3) !!!! http://nichoward.blogspot.com/ woo hoo! I love her stuff...

So hopefully this weekend im gonna get some scrapping done... I'm told that I have to actually upload some layouts so people know what I do... HeeHee!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Obsessed!!!!

We have a new member of our family now! His name is Sammy and he's Eldens new webkinz pet! isn't it cuuuuuuute? Its soft and cuddly and he brought it in today for show and tell. It was "S" day, so we put some spiderman socks on Sammy for extra "s" ness and off they went! I absolutely adore this website, there is NO violence... no worries that hes gonna click on some link to go somewhere weird... it had trivia and math and memory games! Even I love to play it! we're in the process of making Sammy his house and im logging on every day to make Sammy the kinz cash to support my dicekinz habit... He was brought to us by way of gift from my Aunt Molly. so THANKS AUNT MOLLY! we love it so much!

So today Elden had a great day at school, there was nothing in his book that said he hurt anyone, he listened... PHEW great news! We are all very proud of him for pulling it together today, the last few days were a trial :)

more good new, i got some child support today YAY! Its all going to the bank until SOMEONE calls me back for a job! Ive applied everywhere I can think of that i can actually do! Bakeries, craft stores, scrap stores... If anyone has any leads on places looking for people dont be afraid to tell me! I have been looking for awhile and I only have a month until my subsidy runs out... gah?

TGIF m'loves!

-Lisa

todaaaaaaaaay

Well, today was frustrating and then not so frustrating...

Good news is Dads money problems may be solved with a screw up from the government, yay!

Bad news, Ontario child support has no arrears when the father had no fucking job! thats right folks, if your baby's daddy decides he'd rather be on welfare then have a job, he doesnt have to pay you support! In my case, I have been keeping track of when he pays and when he doesnt with a calender. Its been about a year since ive seen a dime...

Much to my surprise, our court order states he has to pay me 120$ a month, which hey, you know what? that is NOTHING compared to most people... that buys him his lunches for a week... but i still dont get that, because since 1997, they made the law state that if dad doesnt have a job, he doesnt have to pay and it doesnt build up... WTF? so he gets to be daddy, loving caring daddy and I get to support our child FULLY.

Now that being said, I would never forbid his from seeing his father, hes a good guy other than the no working part and not calling when hes gonna be late or not show up part. I also wouldnt wanna involve FRO because that would screw him up even more and put a wedge between our amicable relationship... So whats a girl to do? if you havent guessed, *I* have to get a job that supports our family with no help from the government. I also have to have a job so I can keep my child care subsidy, the only help I can have...

Now, this week I have a job interview at a local store that I would L-O-V-E to work at, because I need to make at least 20 hours a week to keep Eldens subsidy. So keep your fingers crossed for me! I would just be so happy If i got this job! Thanks for listening to my rant :)

I didn't know people actually read this, but now im informed a few family members read it and a few not. Hopefully at some point I'll upload some of my artwork, scrapping stuff... cards ect. for you all to enjoy... until then I'll leave you with this supercute picture of my kids... this picture just shows how much Elden adores his big sister, he idolizes that girl!

Am I a bad Mother?

I know, he's cute isn't he? So why, I ask myself... Why won't he just listen, why won't he just do what his teachers and I ask of him?

He's having discipline problems in school. His teacher says in higher grades, the offences would be grounds for suspension. His daycare says he won't listen to simple commands and replies with "I can't do it" when we all know he very well can... I can't bring him to work because he takes too much of the time away from the other keeps because he needs so much attention.

Now I ask myself, what I'm sure every mother asks herself at one point... "what did I do wrong"... I feel myself starting to cry over ruining his school experiences because maybe i wasn't disciplined enough, maybe i let him wrestle too much, maybe i let him play video games that fostered the want to build Lego "guns" ...

I do my best, and when I don't get up right away in the morning to fix him a healthy breakfast, I feel guilty. When I just throw in some bear paws cookies for a snack instead of fruit like all the other kids... Why won't my kid eat fruit? why wont my kid eat vegetables? or sandwiches that don't contain Cheezewhiz...

I stare in amazement at all the other kids who can write their name, hold a pencil correctly, listen to people the first time they are asked, not the third... Am I disappointed in Elden for not being able to do these things? Not in the slightest little teeny tiny bit, no. I blame myself for not pushing harder. For not explaining correctly, for not teaching him! My son is an amazing little boy. He can draw a spaceship and write the number 1 and 4... he can draw circles and give any kid a run for their money on any Xbox game I'm sure... but right now, I'm upset because he wont be able to attend a Christmas function because his behaviour is out of control, and its my fault his missing out because I'm a softy. I love my boy and I let him get away with more than i should. I'm sorry that I'm addicted to your smile, and when you tell me I'm the best mommy ever for letting you crawl into bed with me. I'm sorry that I let you go until I reached the elusive number "3" when you were disobeying... But I wouldn't trade you or your mischievous self for anything in the world Elden. I love you Chickaboo and screw the rest. We'll show em baby.

Well, I've been wrapped up in Christmas cheer lately... (ha ha) making cards, cookies and all that random stuff! well...

I have been stalking http://www.timholtz.typepad.com/... I LOVE what he brings to the table, I was obsessed with his distress inks, now I know ill be obsessed with this new Grunge board... If you havent checked out his blog yet, I'm sure its a keeper, and hes doing a "12 tags of Christmas" run, with techniques and prizes, fun for all!

Elden is at daycare right now, so Its cookie day here at my house... making MANY cookies for my girls at Buns tomorow... I hope they like chocolate dipped ginger snaps... sooo yummy, and spicy and smelling like Christmas!

If i actually get the chance, ill take pictures of all these cards ive made... having fun, but totally realized AFTER that my pictures this year are NOT landscape, they are portrait... and i made the cards landscape... meaning, the pictures are up and down and the cards are left to right... Martha would not be happy... but who knows! maaaaaaaaybe ill just redo them? sure! ah well...

happy holidays all you politically correct people!
Merry Christmas to the rest ;)

-Lisa

New Header

Eh... i got bored of the old header and my old photo.... so there is me a la Halloween :) Any excuse to dress up, I always say....

So today I am organizing my scrapbooking stuff.... I have a lot of shit man! I really need to print out some more pictures, I got bored of the old ones, and ever since getting my new camera, I love the new ones better....

I like to organize... but i don't really do it ever, cause it reminds me of cleaning, which i do NOT like doing... however if i buy say.... smarties or gummy bears, I'll compulsively put them in their own little colour groups... not that I'm a gummy bear Nazi or anything, they just look pretty when they are all colour co-ordinated... and it makes it easier to give the green and yellow ones away...

Well I hope that i will remember to update this a little more...

Right now, Elden is having a few problems in school... he likes to be the center of attention. Dan and I heard a term that i forget now, but it was reminiscent of "god complex" where he thinks everything should be about him, all the time. I am very much to blame for this I'm sure. I baby him, he's my boy, my first born... and for 4 years all we had was each other... I depended on him for comfort and love and cuddles, and its so hard to give that up, hes in school, i cant just hug him when i want! But I'm working on it! Dan hates that I let him crawl into bed with me to cuddle...

I'm so proud of the accomplishments hes made, getting into routines and going to daycare. He's even slowly overcoming his fear of the dark!

Dan is still in the United States... Immigration has been put on hold so we can get custody of Kaitlin. We'd need to redo all the papers anyways if we sent them out without having custody of her... I miss them both when I'm not with them :( Kaitlin is so smart and beautiful and I just want the best for her, and I know that's here in Canada with us... So I will sacrifice a few months of the Immigration process to have the best for our girl. I know in the end when we are all together ill be thankful I waited for her.

until next time....

I Never realized...

I never realized just how much I need people...

I am so bored right now, Dan's in NH working, Elden is with Daddy and Nana and Papa for the weekend... Kim is away at a family reunion... I have a ton of stuff to get done, but I just wanna sit here and drink coffee... no obligation to really do anything right now...

I finished a demo frame for Buns this tuesday... I like it, dunno if they will? I have to print out some pictures this weekend and some point for buns and also figure out a few settings cause i wanna take pictures of fireworks this year...

I should clean out my room, the dining room... the living room... but it seems to daunting alone. I should go to the gym, but its only fun if kim or dan is there...

poor Dan, because ive been training with Kim so long, she just knows what I need to keep going... and Dan is trying but im sure its frustrating for him because hes just new to coming with me.

I've killed my diet this last week with a snacking binge, back on track now i hope tho...

I think I'll go farm motes in World of Warcraft... increase the boredom of the day...

mwah

Long time, No see...

Been busy, beilive it or not! but ill try and write more....
new things since last we talked...

1. my eye is better, the horror show is over but im still wary of the wandy eye mascara stuff...

2. I got my new camera FINALLY after a year i decided which one i wanted... now i have to save up for all the lenses i want!

3. trying to be diligent at the gym, trying to get the mooscles up....

4. they told me i was blind... haha well not really, but i need glasses now, hence the new AV picture, aren't i sexy? yeah baby! red frames make you hot, only took me an hour to pick them out!

5. Elden broke him arm last week and of course i forced him to let me take many pictures of his cool blue cast which he hates! i wish they had colors when i was a kid! although i never broke anything....

6. My damn tablet will not work, if anyone has any idea why, please tell me.... its a serial 9x12 old thing intuos... and im just thinking the serial drivers aren't compatible with windows XP but like i know? i e-mailed CS but nothing yet...

Its too hot out, but im going to get my comics now and eat (CLEAN, KIM I SWEAR) ;)

mwah!

1 am...

ok there is no one awake right now to talk to me... Dan is asleep, Eric is asleep, Mattie is asleep, other Eric is asleep! damn all you sleepy people! cant you see im bored here?! i cant sleep because my eye is worse... and its itchy and i cant touch it waa! so natural one turns to a blog of the days events which included... oh yeah NOTHING hhaahah cause the walk in clinic was closed by the time we left the house i have no idea whats wrong with my eye but im putting antibiotic drops in it anyways... Im hoping Elden doesnt catch this... aha! RICHARD IS AWAKE! yay! im gonna show him my gooey eye until he passes out from boredom....

Ewwww check that out! I have an eye infection (thanks DAD) and its all oozy and itchy and feels like i have sand in my eye! waaa :)

Today (even with the weird eye) a guy hit on me in the supermarket and dropped his potaoes... i was flattered :) i think he was like 20 years older than me, but it was sooo cute... I don't get hit on very often.
*cue music*
I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

Eldens with his Dad today and yesterday, not sure if they are comin back tomorow or not, but i miss my cuddlebug chikaboo. Im in a really artsy mood. Scrapbooking, painting, drawing, altering I just wanna do something! but its 2 am and i have wasted the day grocery shopping...

Today i ate radish sprouts, they taste yummy, much like i imagine grass tastes like to cows and stuff... kinda like a bunch of the celery strings all at once, but yummy and not annoying... just my thoughts today hee hee :)

The video

Uhm i hope this works :) hee hee

Owww

It's 5 am, and i can't sleep.... i have the worst earache, most likely self inflicted, and i hurt! I have this stupid habit, my ear always feel "full" or dirty and i stick q-tips in there to clean em out, always to no avail, so dunno why i do it. I possibly hit something and now i cant sleep.... The tylenol took the headache away, but they earache remains....

I hope i dont have an infection, i hate the treatments for that, they usually make it worse for me, then ill have to take harder pain medication cause it hurts more... Right now im waiting on 6:30 so i can take another couple of tylenol and hopefully get a little sleep...

It was Eldens Birthday yesterday, yay! my little man is 4! and tonight we went out to lonestar to eat, and i made the waitstaff sing him happy birthday, Elden LOVED it... everytime they said his name the smile on his face just made me bust out! hes such a cutie, i love him soooo much!
Im gonna figure out how to upload movies to youtube or something and ill link it here. its too cute.


And today was Kims birthday! Did'nt actually do anything yet, but shes comin to Eldens party on Sunday...We worked out yesterday, i was having a weakling day, i just felt like i should be lifting more and i couldnt! :( but my body had been telling me lately "you doing something wrong there...." cause im getting headaches and ear aches and dizzy and hungry when i shouldnt be hungry... all whacked... hopefully i see some pounds dropping eventually... I still look distended... i dont think id car if i was a 14 waist, i just dont wanna look constantly pregnant...

Well damn that only killed like 10 minutes... Tylenol i need you!!!!

Argh

I cannot get this blogger to look how i want, i just want simple! argh.... waa... ok im gonna have to steal someones code....

doing taxes today.... yay what fun, love to the calculator.... i wanna be scrappin! i have so many ideas floating inside my head and i have NO SPACE to do it in.....

i hope everyone else is doing better!

The pictures are back!

Oh i am so lucky that idiot at MDG WEST didnt know what the hell he was talking about!

MDG EAST however are my new favorite friends, they just replaced my video card and my power supply and voila! there are all my lovely pictures! heres a few i know i couldnt live without.....

my wedding pictures, inside the chaple the lighting sucked and gah i look horridly fat, probably because i was trying to look thinner, silly me...

anyways, i have so many pictures back, im so happy!

Elden has been sick for the last week, the poor guy is leaking like a faucet and has a really high temp that peaked at about 103.2... he hates medicine and usually ends up gagging on it or throwing it up... I hate it when my poor baby is sick. hes sleeping rather good right now, i think cause i actually got the benelyn into him, but im watching him close cause there was a case of RSV at my work, so im just worried.... I hope he gets better soon....

Brighter note, it was my Step daughters Birthday yesterday YAY KAITI! 11 years old, she so big and so mature for her age, love it! we had a great time, i wish we could do birthdays every day!

I drown in a puddle of tears....

All my pictures.... my brushes, my photoshops.... my everything, GONE... my hard drive is fried says mdg.... my heart litterally sank into my toes.... i have no backups of all my pictures, Elden's life in pictures is gone, the last 4 years of my life is gone, my wedding, eldens birth, my husband and i meeting, our memories EVERYTHING is gone....

im so depressed :(

On another note, Elden got his hair chopped off today... of course, i took pictures and i think my camera will be fused to me face for much of the next few weeks in fear of losing any more memories... i should have backed them up, i was backing them up last week and i ruined 20 blank cds because they kept spitting out with errors....

why.....

Best Day EVER

Elden went potty TWICE, by potty i mean poopy and all by himself, i am so frigen proud, i love my booooy!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday the 20th was my husbands birthday, unfortunatly he had to spend it in NH without me.... i miss him so much when hes gone, i wish this immigration stuff was easier...

we went to boston pizza tomight fordiner and out of nowhere, Elden starting saying "boobies" really loud and grabbing my boobs in the restaurant, now given, im mostly pading anyways it was still rather embarrasing! where does he get this stuff! and since i laughed, it egged him on and he wouldnt stop.. ahhhh the joys....

im sore from the gym but i have to go back... im determined to be hot again damnit! and i hate wrting on this laptop cause im always hitting the wrong keys grrrr and my real computers monitor is flaking out on me so i dont have a real computer waaaaaa.

but its still the best day ever because elden is finally getting the potty thing :)
love my boy Elden and i miss you Dan and Kaity