Christmas Cheer, I lack thee...

9pm. Here I sit, in the same mood I have been all day. Morose, depressed, lonely.

I love Christmas, really I do... when i get to participate in it that is. This year I sit, as i have perhaps for the last two or three years. Alone. looking at a screen. Not participating in family closeness or cheer, not in loving embrace under any mistletoe nor telling stories of Christmas's' past.

I drive by all the pretty lights, not taking any joy in their twinkling glow because I envy the family that celebrates in such an open way as I used to. I. Am. Alone.

I partake in some spiked coffee and drag off my cheery joyful nicotine. And i lament.
Normally this feeling is quelled by a Christmas get together with family after the fact of the actual day. But this year we convene at McD's, wretched bastardization of what I look forward to ever year. I will sit, and smile and die inside as the only Christmas tradition i have any longer is pissed away under the golden arches.

I tried to not care. Honestly i did. Normally my Christmas was getting together with my (now ex) husbands family. I would help with dinner, bake something, give gifts, feel whole. That of course left with the marriage. No one wants to spend Christmas with me.
My son spends it with his father, fortunately not knowing my solitary depressing night lacking decoration or Santa's. They also have the large family gatherings i used to know.
Perhaps I am astrologically prone to depression without celebration around this time of year, cancer... home body... motherly.

I did what i could, i crafted a Christmas tree for my boyfriends apartment out of coke cans, I'm sure he thought it was a joking, funny stab at Christmas, when it was in reality a desperate plea to celebrate some type of Christmas cheer with someone i love.
I understand 3 months does not denote a family Christmas in a relationship, by no fault of his own am i heartbroken we are apart tonight. I posses a selfish wish I had been invited to share in his family Christmas, like a junkie perhaps begging for a hit of momentary happiness. Alas I detox alone on the couch with my TV, avoiding all Christmas movies like the plague as not to be that lonely 30 year old without a family to celebrate with, crying and watching fictional festive cheer I wish i could posses like some unreachable fairytale.

And so I sit. Alone. and so it shall forever be, the loneliest night this year.

Merry fucking Christmas.